I honestly forgot I even had this blog! Things have been pretty much the same. I'm still working on the self-love/self-esteem, still getting comfortable with myself. Because, come the new year, maybe the end of December, I'm going to put myself back out there, in the dating world. Is it scary? Yes. But because of my experience with Stephen, I know I'm able to find love. I know I'm lovable in the romantic sense. And every time the idea of him possibly wanting to get back together creeps into my head, I stop it. It isn't happening. The only reason it's popping up is because Stephen is part of my comfort zone. And that relationship, romantically, was dead about a month after we got back together this last time. It shouldn't have happened, but the past is the past. I can safely say I've outgrown him romantically. I still care about him and always will. A part of him will always be in my heart, and that's okay. I wouldn't be where I am today without him. And if he texts me like he said he would when we broke up, I'll talk to him because I do want to be his friend. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I know there's a man out there who's better for me, who will help me continue to grow into the person I'm meant to be, and who will one day ask me to marry him. He's out there. I just have to find him. Or he has to find me. Whichever!
This week hasn't been the best for my body image. I think that's always going to be one of my struggles. I spent time at REFIT (R) checking myself in the mirrors in the class area instead of just enjoying the dancing. Looking at my hips (I don't like them) or my stomach (another thing I dislike), etc. Feeling like I looked like an idiot/was trying too hard. I've spent time pulling my shirt tight to see my waist in comparison to my hips. Things like that. I know that, should I ever get pregnant, I'll need to get into a better place with that as well as my fear of weight gain because, guess what, both of those things are going to happen! I'm going to get bigger because I'm going to be growing another human. So. Yeah. I'm not where I need to be for that. Yet.
And socially, I surprise myself! I talk to people I've never met. Old Sarah? Absolutely not. Like when I went painting last weekend, I talked to the girls sitting across from me about The Beatles because I was wearing my Beatles shirt. I talked to the guy at the register about cats because I was wearing my I Like Cats shirt. And when I got my oil changed, the guy working there talked to me about Pokemon Go and even added me. I talk to people at the nutrition places when I get my drink on a Friday or Saturday. I'm finally starting to believe that yes, I do belong with my REFIT (R) group or my coworkers. I always felt like sort of an outsider. My anxiety would tell me that other people keep me around just to humor me. (I still do this with people complimenting me, though not as much as I used to.) But lately, I've felt more like I belong in my different groups. The anxiety acts up, but I've gotten better about silencing it.
It's time for me to start unwinding for bed, so I'll leave this here. It's good to be back.
