Perspective

My therapist told me something the other day that really struck me. I've always felt like I have no control over my anxious thoughts. That once they show up, I can't stop them, no matter what I do. Because believe me, I've tried. I'll have a negative thought show up -- this person doesn't like me because they didn't do this when they do it for other people, this person probably thinks this about me, I'm not doing enough, and so on -- and I'll try to fight it with my brain. But when the first time I try doesn't make the negative thought go away, my brain says something like... "Lol, nope, give up now. It isn't going to work." So, of course, I give up. Negative wins because that's easier. 

I've told my therapist this, and she suggested I use affirmations. I laughed at first (thankfully I'm using online therapy so she doesn't know I laughed) because believe me, I've tried affirmations. Repeatedly. Telling myself I'm beautiful, I'm this, I'm that, it all sounds dumb because it's not what I'm used to hearing. The voice in my head... if she belonged to an actual physical person who said these words, she would be considered a bully. A legitimate one. Nobody would like her. Anyway. My therapist then said the thing that struck me. 

The brain can only focus on one thought at a time, and I can choose whether it's posveitive or negative.

Mind. Blown. I've been told that a lot, but I think the way it's been said to me is what's kept me from believing it. Until this. And it's really opened up my eyes to a lot. I'm starting to notice that when I have a bad outlook going in to work that I have more anxiety about how I'm doing. If I have a bad outlook, I see others' actions as something negative involving me. Or when I have a bad outlook, I'm more prone to be in my head during whatever it is I'm doing and less "in the moment". 

And regarding my affirmations not sticking the first time, we do have a "negativity bias". We're more prone to remember negative experiences than positive ones. From what I've read, it was a survival mechanism in our ancestors but... it's not really one we need today. So naturally, it's going to be harder for me to believe affirmations. One, humans are prone to negativity and two, I've been bullying myself all of my adult life. Since at least my substitute teaching days. I'm literally having to rewire my brain, which I'm going to assume is harder for an adult than a child. It's like I'm learning a new skill. When I started playing the clarinet, I wasn't as good at it as I am now. I had to learn the skill. Just like I have to learn the skill of positive thinking. Or at least changing my perspective to something more positive when I notice myself slipping towards the negative. 

I read this article -- and for me to read an ENTIRE article is saying something -- and it really captured what I'm trying to work through as far as my brain goes. If any of you are doing the same thing, maybe it'll help you too. Take in the Good 

I have to remember that self-love and positive thinking don't happen overnight. It takes time, especially when I'm having to relearn things. I need to be gentle with myself. Just like I was when I was learning to play my clarinet. I'm good at that, so maybe, with a lot of practice, I can get good at this too.