How the heck are you gonna love somebody else? This quote always ends an episode of the show I'm currently watching. I know it's meant as a "sassy" sign-off from the host, but there's a lot of truth in it. I didn't truly love myself when I started dating Stephen. And looking back, I think we rushed into it. We went on one date, and he asked me to be his girlfriend two days after. I'm not saying I'm the sole reason the relationship ended, but my issues eventually surfaced. Long story short, we broke up, got back together, broke up again in February, got back together, and broke up in late October. I haven't spoken to him since, nor am I going to be the one to text first. We both made it clear that we still want to be friends, though he did say that it would be a while before he tried to contact me again. If he does, wonderful, if he doesn't, that's okay too. I care about him and wish him happiness in whatever it is he does with his life, and I know he does the same for me.
That being said, I fully believe that God placed him into my life for a reason. Stephen is not the man I am meant to marry and have children with. Stephen is the person that God placed into my life to guide me down the right path before I went down a very dark one. Because, and this hit me while I was in Martin Walmart of all places, if Stephen hadn't come into my life, I would not have started counseling. I'd been working with an online therapist for a few months before he came into my life, but it wasn't until I started working with a therapist in person that I saw the true progress.
I always thought that a romantic relationship would "fix" me. Nope. Stephen didn't make all of my mental issues go away, but he did help me begin to work on them. And because of that work, I'm a long way from where I was before. Before, I hated myself. I know, I know. It's cliche, but it's true. I hated myself. I hated my body and tried anything to make it fit into society's "thin is best" mold. I felt worthless because I couldn't find a full-time job and because I lived at home (which would later become a blessing, but that's another entry). I felt hopeless. Useless. Like a waste of space that wouldn't be missed. I never got to the place where I acted on these feelings, thankfully. But they were there, and they were strong.
When I got my current job, the feeling of worthlessness began to go away. I was finally working somewhere that made me feel like I was contributing something to the world. I felt less like a waste of space. But the self-loathing, anxiety, depression, and guilt were still there. I started dating Stephen in late 2018. And by mid-2019, he and I were sitting at Taco Bell in Paris, eating lunch before he went with me to my first Carey appointment. I began working with a wonderful counselor who helped me get to the root of my anxieties and depression. I know why I have these mental issues. And my counselor taught me the skills I needed to begin coping with these anxieties. These skills, combined with my medication, have been a huge help. And that is why Stephen was put into my life. To help me get to this place. So for that, I am grateful.
Today, I feel better. Do I have days where I feel less than great about myself? Yes. I'm human. But for the most part, I like who I am instead of hating her. I feel less guilty about taking care of myself. In fact, I know it's necessary nowadays for me to keep my sanity. When I first started working at DES, I didn't miss a single day because I wasn't sick. But now, I don't worry about taking a day for myself, as long as I can find a sub. I don't feel bad about coloring my hair or buying a new outfit or anything along those lines because they help me feel good about myself. Coffeeshop or solo day trips are my "me" time. Same with reading in my room. I'm worthy of self love and self care, and I always have been. It just took me this long to realize it.
My journey isn't over, though. I still slip. I still forget to apply what I've learned in therapy. I still have a hard time trusting myself and relying on my own strength when my anxieties get really bad. I still see others as "above me" on my bad days. Sometimes, I use my past as as an excuse for not doing the work to change how I think. I'm still afraid of making someone upset with me. And I am really bad about taking things personally. But I'm also really proud of the progress I've made thus far. And whenever I find the man God has made for me, I'll be ready for the relationship. I'll be better equipped to handle my moods and mental health instead of relying on my boyfriend to fix them for me. Whoever he ends up being.
But for now, I'm pretty happy dating myself.
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