Fears.

We all have them. Some have more fear than others, but everyone is afraid of something. For me, here lately, it's been reaching out to someone, even if it's just to send them a picture of my cat doing something cute. Yes, I'm in a group chat and I'll message them, but most of the time, it's in response to something someone else has said. But when it comes to messaging someone just to say hi or check on them? No. I'm scared. I'm always scared that I'll be ignored, which will in turn make me feel like I'm bothering or annoying the other person. Or they'll just be humoring me with their response because they don't really want to talk to me. Because after all, if they wanted to talk to me, they'd message me. Right? Every time Stephen and I have talked, he's initiated the conversation. Because I'm scared. It's why I only message my sister once a week, if that. Because I know she's busy with her work and family and I don't want to be a bother. And because in my head, it feels like what I have to say, what's going on in my life, isn't important. To my sister, to Stephen, to anyone save for me. And besides, I'm supposed to be learning how to rely on myself. 

I can feel myself withdrawing, and it scares me. But this is so much easier than having to deal with the worry that I'm annoying or bothering whoever I message. Or that I'm not important. Or that the other person doesn't want to be forced to deal with me, even if I'm sending something as insignificant as a cat picture. Because every time I do, my brain screams at me a monologue that goes something like this.

YOU'RE ANNOYING.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH THEIR FAMILY OR THEM. IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
YOU'RE SELFISH FOR EVEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

And so on and so forth. I use past reactions as a gauge too. Only get one word replies when I talk about something I've got going on? There, there's proof that I shouldn't try to talk to them unless it's about their life. 

I'm doing the same mess my mom did. Isolating. Only doing things by myself or with my dad. When deep down, I'm lonely. And I feel incredibly vulnerable saying that. But it's the truth. I'm lonely. And it hurts.