Self-Care

I've been on a self-care journey for a while now. I used to think it was cutesy stuff. You know, things like spa days, shopping trips, face masks, bath bombs, and so on. And those are part of it because those things make people feel good. I can't tell you how much better I feel when I get back from a lunch trip to Murray or Martin. Or anything I do to treat myself. Those things are absolutely part of my self care regime. But there's an aspect that people don't think about. 

It's doing the things that you know are good for you physically and mentally when you don't want to do them. For me, it's getting up and exercising when I don't want to. Like yesterday. I didn't want to do a long exercise routine, but I still got up and did a stretching video. Did it burn a lot? No, but it felt good to stretch properly. Another part of my self-care is doing things that are good for my mental health. 

Like today, I worked a LOT on my diamond art. At least two hours (not at once). I stopped the first time because a voice in my head said, "Is that all you're going to do? Surely not." And I can tell you where that voice came from. When I was younger and engaged in something, my mother would sometimes say, "Is that all you're going to do today?" That, and I used to be very regimented with my day. I would write out a schedule for myself as a child. A. Child. I would plan out my whole day, from waking up to bed time. I wrote the activity, what time it would start, what time I'd stop. I thought it was normal, but now I see that it's strange. Was. But anyway. Those two things are what make it difficult for me to spend long amounts of time on anything. It's a work in progress. I told my dad why I stopped, that it was because I was self-conscious about how long I spend doing something. He told me that I had no reason to be, that it's my thing. And something in my brain said, you know what, he's right. So I worked longer on it. And thoroughly enjoyed myself...and now I feel good. 

It's also self-care to avoid triggers or to work on strengthening yourself. For me, it's anything related to calorie counts. For the longest time, I tracked my calories in and out using a very well-known app. It showed me how many I had "earned" through exercise, how many I'd eaten, how many I had left for the day. If I went over, I felt so guilty. If I had a lot left, the higher the better! And to this day, I detest when restaurants have their calorie counts posted next to menu items. I still think that 400 calories is a lot for a meal when in reality, it's a perfectly healthy amount when you consider that you have 3 meals plus snacks during a day. Usually. Anyway. I find myself counting calories, avoiding foods that are high-calorie altogether -- I won't buy chocolate milk, juice, etc -- and exercising before a big meall. Or pushing myself to do a long exercise routine before a big meal even though I might not want to do it just to earn the meal. Will I ever be completely over this? Maybe. But for now, what I can do is work on is redirecting my thoughts. This food may not be the "healthiest" but it's still nourishing my body, for example. And I have gotten better. 

So self care... for me, it's more complex than just "treating myself". It's literally taking care of my body when I don't want to and not giving into the messed up habits I'd developed in the past. It's hard, but it's worth it.