Self-Care

I've been on a self-care journey for a while now. I used to think it was cutesy stuff. You know, things like spa days, shopping trips, face masks, bath bombs, and so on. And those are part of it because those things make people feel good. I can't tell you how much better I feel when I get back from a lunch trip to Murray or Martin. Or anything I do to treat myself. Those things are absolutely part of my self care regime. But there's an aspect that people don't think about. 

It's doing the things that you know are good for you physically and mentally when you don't want to do them. For me, it's getting up and exercising when I don't want to. Like yesterday. I didn't want to do a long exercise routine, but I still got up and did a stretching video. Did it burn a lot? No, but it felt good to stretch properly. Another part of my self-care is doing things that are good for my mental health. 

Like today, I worked a LOT on my diamond art. At least two hours (not at once). I stopped the first time because a voice in my head said, "Is that all you're going to do? Surely not." And I can tell you where that voice came from. When I was younger and engaged in something, my mother would sometimes say, "Is that all you're going to do today?" That, and I used to be very regimented with my day. I would write out a schedule for myself as a child. A. Child. I would plan out my whole day, from waking up to bed time. I wrote the activity, what time it would start, what time I'd stop. I thought it was normal, but now I see that it's strange. Was. But anyway. Those two things are what make it difficult for me to spend long amounts of time on anything. It's a work in progress. I told my dad why I stopped, that it was because I was self-conscious about how long I spend doing something. He told me that I had no reason to be, that it's my thing. And something in my brain said, you know what, he's right. So I worked longer on it. And thoroughly enjoyed myself...and now I feel good. 

It's also self-care to avoid triggers or to work on strengthening yourself. For me, it's anything related to calorie counts. For the longest time, I tracked my calories in and out using a very well-known app. It showed me how many I had "earned" through exercise, how many I'd eaten, how many I had left for the day. If I went over, I felt so guilty. If I had a lot left, the higher the better! And to this day, I detest when restaurants have their calorie counts posted next to menu items. I still think that 400 calories is a lot for a meal when in reality, it's a perfectly healthy amount when you consider that you have 3 meals plus snacks during a day. Usually. Anyway. I find myself counting calories, avoiding foods that are high-calorie altogether -- I won't buy chocolate milk, juice, etc -- and exercising before a big meall. Or pushing myself to do a long exercise routine before a big meal even though I might not want to do it just to earn the meal. Will I ever be completely over this? Maybe. But for now, what I can do is work on is redirecting my thoughts. This food may not be the "healthiest" but it's still nourishing my body, for example. And I have gotten better. 

So self care... for me, it's more complex than just "treating myself". It's literally taking care of my body when I don't want to and not giving into the messed up habits I'd developed in the past. It's hard, but it's worth it.

Anxiety.

No, I'm not posting about being anxious in a venting sense. I'm okay right now, don't y'all worry! 

A lot of people know, but those I don't talk to as often may not. I have GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And depression. I believe mine are more along the lines of high-functioning, but I have them. And I've been in therapy for nearly three years for various issues relating to the anxiety and depression. And I am on medication for both of them. I am fully for erasing the stigma against getting help for mental health, so I see no reason why I shouldn't be open about my issues. We wouldn't deny someone with a physical disability help or medication, so I see no reason why mental health should be denied these things either. 

I believe the depression is finally starting to lift some now that I'm practicing self love. I'm wanting to put effort into my appearance - makeup, clothes that look nice and fit instead of doubling as athletic gear or hanging off of me - treat myself more often instead of denying myself things I want, and generally feeling hopeful about life. I used to think being happy meant never being sad and that when I was sad, it was wrong. Now I know that isn't the case. Being happy means being content with yourself and your life and not pressuring yourself to fit into some sort of mold. You still want to grow, but it doesn't come from a place of hatred. Instead, it comes from a place of love and wanting to better yourself and your life so you can reach your goals and dreams. It means wanting good things because you deserve them. 

And the anxiety. Whoo boy, I can tell I've made progress there. Like today. I got into a bit of an incident where I overthought how I replied to someone's text. I was open about my worry regarding how my reply came across, and he was honest with me. He said that it did slightly come across that way. And oh man did that send me. I wanted so badly to text him and apologize or asked if I'd messed up. I do that with anyone I talk to regularly any time something I say doesn't go quite as I intended. I spiraled badly. But. And this is where the progress comes. I heard the voice of logic -- he said it wasn't too much. He encouraged you to push through and reassured you that you'd be okay. He's known you for three years and told you time and time again he's going to be part of your life for as long as you want him to be. And I ended up listening to it. Am I still tense? Yes. But that's a normal reaction to an anxiety attack. 

Old Sarah wouldn't have been able to listen to that voice. She would have caved, would have texted a desperate, almost needy, apology. I did thank him for not "coddling me" because that's part of what hindered my growth. (He hasn't replied, but I'm trying not to worry about that.) I'm getting emotional thinking about this because it's like... wow. I have come a long way. I just don't get the chance to see it all that often. It feels pretty good and is encouraging for the future. I can keep going. And I will.

Fears.

We all have them. Some have more fear than others, but everyone is afraid of something. For me, here lately, it's been reaching out to someone, even if it's just to send them a picture of my cat doing something cute. Yes, I'm in a group chat and I'll message them, but most of the time, it's in response to something someone else has said. But when it comes to messaging someone just to say hi or check on them? No. I'm scared. I'm always scared that I'll be ignored, which will in turn make me feel like I'm bothering or annoying the other person. Or they'll just be humoring me with their response because they don't really want to talk to me. Because after all, if they wanted to talk to me, they'd message me. Right? Every time Stephen and I have talked, he's initiated the conversation. Because I'm scared. It's why I only message my sister once a week, if that. Because I know she's busy with her work and family and I don't want to be a bother. And because in my head, it feels like what I have to say, what's going on in my life, isn't important. To my sister, to Stephen, to anyone save for me. And besides, I'm supposed to be learning how to rely on myself. 

I can feel myself withdrawing, and it scares me. But this is so much easier than having to deal with the worry that I'm annoying or bothering whoever I message. Or that I'm not important. Or that the other person doesn't want to be forced to deal with me, even if I'm sending something as insignificant as a cat picture. Because every time I do, my brain screams at me a monologue that goes something like this.

YOU'RE ANNOYING.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH THEIR FAMILY OR THEM. IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
YOU'RE SELFISH FOR EVEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

And so on and so forth. I use past reactions as a gauge too. Only get one word replies when I talk about something I've got going on? There, there's proof that I shouldn't try to talk to them unless it's about their life. 

I'm doing the same mess my mom did. Isolating. Only doing things by myself or with my dad. When deep down, I'm lonely. And I feel incredibly vulnerable saying that. But it's the truth. I'm lonely. And it hurts.