Well well well...

I honestly forgot I even had this blog! Things have been pretty much the same. I'm still working on the self-love/self-esteem, still getting comfortable with myself. Because, come the new year, maybe the end of December, I'm going to put myself back out there, in the dating world. Is it scary? Yes. But because of my experience with Stephen, I know I'm able to find love. I know I'm lovable in the romantic sense. And every time the idea of him possibly wanting to get back together creeps into my head, I stop it. It isn't happening. The only reason it's popping up is because Stephen is part of my comfort zone. And that relationship, romantically, was dead about a month after we got back together this last time. It shouldn't have happened, but the past is the past. I can safely say I've outgrown him romantically. I still care about him and always will. A part of him will always be in my heart, and that's okay. I wouldn't be where I am today without him. And if he texts me like he said he would when we broke up, I'll talk to him because I do want to be his friend. If he doesn't, that's fine too. I know there's a man out there who's better for me, who will help me continue to grow into the person I'm meant to be, and who will one day ask me to marry him. He's out there. I just have to find him. Or he has to find me. Whichever!

This week hasn't been the best for my body image. I think that's always going to be one of my struggles. I spent time at REFIT (R) checking myself in the mirrors in the class area instead of just enjoying the dancing. Looking at my hips (I don't like them) or my stomach (another thing I dislike), etc. Feeling like I looked like an idiot/was trying too hard. I've spent time pulling my shirt tight to see my waist in comparison to my hips. Things like that. I know that, should I ever get pregnant, I'll need to get into a better place with that as well as my fear of weight gain because, guess what, both of those things are going to happen! I'm going to get bigger because I'm going to be growing another human. So. Yeah. I'm not where I need to be for that. Yet. 

And socially, I surprise myself! I talk to people I've never met. Old Sarah? Absolutely not. Like when I went painting last weekend, I talked to the girls sitting across from me about The Beatles because I was wearing my Beatles shirt. I talked to the guy at the register about cats because I was wearing my I Like Cats shirt. And when I got my oil changed, the guy working there talked to me about Pokemon Go and even added me. I talk to people at the nutrition places when I get my drink on a Friday or Saturday. I'm finally starting to believe that yes, I do belong with my REFIT (R) group or my coworkers. I always felt like sort of an outsider. My anxiety would tell me that other people keep me around just to humor me. (I still do this with people complimenting me, though not as much as I used to.) But lately, I've felt more like I belong in my different groups. The anxiety acts up, but I've gotten better about silencing it.

It's time for me to start unwinding for bed, so I'll leave this here. It's good to be back.

Self-Care

I've been on a self-care journey for a while now. I used to think it was cutesy stuff. You know, things like spa days, shopping trips, face masks, bath bombs, and so on. And those are part of it because those things make people feel good. I can't tell you how much better I feel when I get back from a lunch trip to Murray or Martin. Or anything I do to treat myself. Those things are absolutely part of my self care regime. But there's an aspect that people don't think about. 

It's doing the things that you know are good for you physically and mentally when you don't want to do them. For me, it's getting up and exercising when I don't want to. Like yesterday. I didn't want to do a long exercise routine, but I still got up and did a stretching video. Did it burn a lot? No, but it felt good to stretch properly. Another part of my self-care is doing things that are good for my mental health. 

Like today, I worked a LOT on my diamond art. At least two hours (not at once). I stopped the first time because a voice in my head said, "Is that all you're going to do? Surely not." And I can tell you where that voice came from. When I was younger and engaged in something, my mother would sometimes say, "Is that all you're going to do today?" That, and I used to be very regimented with my day. I would write out a schedule for myself as a child. A. Child. I would plan out my whole day, from waking up to bed time. I wrote the activity, what time it would start, what time I'd stop. I thought it was normal, but now I see that it's strange. Was. But anyway. Those two things are what make it difficult for me to spend long amounts of time on anything. It's a work in progress. I told my dad why I stopped, that it was because I was self-conscious about how long I spend doing something. He told me that I had no reason to be, that it's my thing. And something in my brain said, you know what, he's right. So I worked longer on it. And thoroughly enjoyed myself...and now I feel good. 

It's also self-care to avoid triggers or to work on strengthening yourself. For me, it's anything related to calorie counts. For the longest time, I tracked my calories in and out using a very well-known app. It showed me how many I had "earned" through exercise, how many I'd eaten, how many I had left for the day. If I went over, I felt so guilty. If I had a lot left, the higher the better! And to this day, I detest when restaurants have their calorie counts posted next to menu items. I still think that 400 calories is a lot for a meal when in reality, it's a perfectly healthy amount when you consider that you have 3 meals plus snacks during a day. Usually. Anyway. I find myself counting calories, avoiding foods that are high-calorie altogether -- I won't buy chocolate milk, juice, etc -- and exercising before a big meall. Or pushing myself to do a long exercise routine before a big meal even though I might not want to do it just to earn the meal. Will I ever be completely over this? Maybe. But for now, what I can do is work on is redirecting my thoughts. This food may not be the "healthiest" but it's still nourishing my body, for example. And I have gotten better. 

So self care... for me, it's more complex than just "treating myself". It's literally taking care of my body when I don't want to and not giving into the messed up habits I'd developed in the past. It's hard, but it's worth it.

Anxiety.

No, I'm not posting about being anxious in a venting sense. I'm okay right now, don't y'all worry! 

A lot of people know, but those I don't talk to as often may not. I have GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And depression. I believe mine are more along the lines of high-functioning, but I have them. And I've been in therapy for nearly three years for various issues relating to the anxiety and depression. And I am on medication for both of them. I am fully for erasing the stigma against getting help for mental health, so I see no reason why I shouldn't be open about my issues. We wouldn't deny someone with a physical disability help or medication, so I see no reason why mental health should be denied these things either. 

I believe the depression is finally starting to lift some now that I'm practicing self love. I'm wanting to put effort into my appearance - makeup, clothes that look nice and fit instead of doubling as athletic gear or hanging off of me - treat myself more often instead of denying myself things I want, and generally feeling hopeful about life. I used to think being happy meant never being sad and that when I was sad, it was wrong. Now I know that isn't the case. Being happy means being content with yourself and your life and not pressuring yourself to fit into some sort of mold. You still want to grow, but it doesn't come from a place of hatred. Instead, it comes from a place of love and wanting to better yourself and your life so you can reach your goals and dreams. It means wanting good things because you deserve them. 

And the anxiety. Whoo boy, I can tell I've made progress there. Like today. I got into a bit of an incident where I overthought how I replied to someone's text. I was open about my worry regarding how my reply came across, and he was honest with me. He said that it did slightly come across that way. And oh man did that send me. I wanted so badly to text him and apologize or asked if I'd messed up. I do that with anyone I talk to regularly any time something I say doesn't go quite as I intended. I spiraled badly. But. And this is where the progress comes. I heard the voice of logic -- he said it wasn't too much. He encouraged you to push through and reassured you that you'd be okay. He's known you for three years and told you time and time again he's going to be part of your life for as long as you want him to be. And I ended up listening to it. Am I still tense? Yes. But that's a normal reaction to an anxiety attack. 

Old Sarah wouldn't have been able to listen to that voice. She would have caved, would have texted a desperate, almost needy, apology. I did thank him for not "coddling me" because that's part of what hindered my growth. (He hasn't replied, but I'm trying not to worry about that.) I'm getting emotional thinking about this because it's like... wow. I have come a long way. I just don't get the chance to see it all that often. It feels pretty good and is encouraging for the future. I can keep going. And I will.

Fears.

We all have them. Some have more fear than others, but everyone is afraid of something. For me, here lately, it's been reaching out to someone, even if it's just to send them a picture of my cat doing something cute. Yes, I'm in a group chat and I'll message them, but most of the time, it's in response to something someone else has said. But when it comes to messaging someone just to say hi or check on them? No. I'm scared. I'm always scared that I'll be ignored, which will in turn make me feel like I'm bothering or annoying the other person. Or they'll just be humoring me with their response because they don't really want to talk to me. Because after all, if they wanted to talk to me, they'd message me. Right? Every time Stephen and I have talked, he's initiated the conversation. Because I'm scared. It's why I only message my sister once a week, if that. Because I know she's busy with her work and family and I don't want to be a bother. And because in my head, it feels like what I have to say, what's going on in my life, isn't important. To my sister, to Stephen, to anyone save for me. And besides, I'm supposed to be learning how to rely on myself. 

I can feel myself withdrawing, and it scares me. But this is so much easier than having to deal with the worry that I'm annoying or bothering whoever I message. Or that I'm not important. Or that the other person doesn't want to be forced to deal with me, even if I'm sending something as insignificant as a cat picture. Because every time I do, my brain screams at me a monologue that goes something like this.

YOU'RE ANNOYING.
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO DO WITH THEIR FAMILY OR THEM. IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
YOU'RE SELFISH FOR EVEN WANTING TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE.

And so on and so forth. I use past reactions as a gauge too. Only get one word replies when I talk about something I've got going on? There, there's proof that I shouldn't try to talk to them unless it's about their life. 

I'm doing the same mess my mom did. Isolating. Only doing things by myself or with my dad. When deep down, I'm lonely. And I feel incredibly vulnerable saying that. But it's the truth. I'm lonely. And it hurts. 

New Year. And some brutal honesty.

Warning. This will not be the happiest entry. I'm getting honest and saying things that just a few people know.

New Year's Eve. I have a very strong love-hate relationship with this day. I'm like the rest of the world, ready to say goodbye to the hot mess that was 2020. I'm ready for 2021, for a chance to start over. (Okay, I could "start over" at any point in the year, but the very beginning of a year just seems fit.) I'm cautiously hopeful about 2021. I don't think life will ever return to the "normal" we once knew, but maybe this year things will get a little less strenuous. I pray that they will. 

And I pray that for me, I'm able to finally work past all of the mental roadblocks in my head. That I'm able to stop listening to or at least quieten the voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. That nitpicks my body in the mirror when I'm getting dressed and tells me to change my shirt because it makes me look bigger than I am or that tells me I'm huge and that I can't be huge and beautiful. That tells me not to sit around, even when I'm resting because I'm tired/sore/whatever, because I'm going to gain weight. Or that tells me I can't eat the treat I want because of the calories, fat, whatever. That tells me to check how I look in the windows while I'm in the frozen foods aisle at Walmart instead of shopping like a "normal" person. Or that forbids me from going sleeveless in public because of my arms. That tells me I'm annoying the people I try to talk to, tells me to hide the things I enjoy because they're stupid and I'm the only one that enjoys them in my little circle. I could go on and on about the things it says to me. I pray to God that I'm able to stop this voice in my head because it is exhausting and prevents me from enjoying my life. 

So yes, the approaching new year is a good thing. But today, New Year's Eve, is a bittersweet day. Because seven years ago today, December 31, 2013, is the day I lost my mother. I can tell you exactly what I was doing when I found out. I was sitting on the couch, watching the NYE party thing on ABC. Ryan Seacrest was hosting. And all of a sudden I saw my dad's truck headlights in the driveway. I knew right then what had happened. She was gone. And they say time heals all, but there are some things that time doesn't completely heal. This is one of them. And today, for some reason, it's hitting me particularly hard. Maybe it's because this is the year I finally forgave my mother for the way she treated me when I was a teenager. I don't know. But I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. 

I know better days are coming. But today, I'm going to allow myself to feel how I feel and treat myself with kindness and care. My feelings are legitimate, they matter, and I can't keep pushing them aside. 

So, for whoever reads this, I pray that 2021 is better for you in whatever way you need. Because we all need a better year next year.

Perspective

My therapist told me something the other day that really struck me. I've always felt like I have no control over my anxious thoughts. That once they show up, I can't stop them, no matter what I do. Because believe me, I've tried. I'll have a negative thought show up -- this person doesn't like me because they didn't do this when they do it for other people, this person probably thinks this about me, I'm not doing enough, and so on -- and I'll try to fight it with my brain. But when the first time I try doesn't make the negative thought go away, my brain says something like... "Lol, nope, give up now. It isn't going to work." So, of course, I give up. Negative wins because that's easier. 

I've told my therapist this, and she suggested I use affirmations. I laughed at first (thankfully I'm using online therapy so she doesn't know I laughed) because believe me, I've tried affirmations. Repeatedly. Telling myself I'm beautiful, I'm this, I'm that, it all sounds dumb because it's not what I'm used to hearing. The voice in my head... if she belonged to an actual physical person who said these words, she would be considered a bully. A legitimate one. Nobody would like her. Anyway. My therapist then said the thing that struck me. 

The brain can only focus on one thought at a time, and I can choose whether it's posveitive or negative.

Mind. Blown. I've been told that a lot, but I think the way it's been said to me is what's kept me from believing it. Until this. And it's really opened up my eyes to a lot. I'm starting to notice that when I have a bad outlook going in to work that I have more anxiety about how I'm doing. If I have a bad outlook, I see others' actions as something negative involving me. Or when I have a bad outlook, I'm more prone to be in my head during whatever it is I'm doing and less "in the moment". 

And regarding my affirmations not sticking the first time, we do have a "negativity bias". We're more prone to remember negative experiences than positive ones. From what I've read, it was a survival mechanism in our ancestors but... it's not really one we need today. So naturally, it's going to be harder for me to believe affirmations. One, humans are prone to negativity and two, I've been bullying myself all of my adult life. Since at least my substitute teaching days. I'm literally having to rewire my brain, which I'm going to assume is harder for an adult than a child. It's like I'm learning a new skill. When I started playing the clarinet, I wasn't as good at it as I am now. I had to learn the skill. Just like I have to learn the skill of positive thinking. Or at least changing my perspective to something more positive when I notice myself slipping towards the negative. 

I read this article -- and for me to read an ENTIRE article is saying something -- and it really captured what I'm trying to work through as far as my brain goes. If any of you are doing the same thing, maybe it'll help you too. Take in the Good 

I have to remember that self-love and positive thinking don't happen overnight. It takes time, especially when I'm having to relearn things. I need to be gentle with myself. Just like I was when I was learning to play my clarinet. I'm good at that, so maybe, with a lot of practice, I can get good at this too.

The Domino Effect

I know, that's usually seen as a bad thing. One little thing happens, and it sets off a huge chain reaction of bad things happening. But this week, I've started a positive domino effect. Last Thursday or Friday, I created a bedtime routine. It looks a little something like this. Thursdays will look a little different because my class starts at 6:30, but I'll stick to it as much as I can.

• Be done with exercise by 6:30. 
• Be showered by 7.
• 7:30 - Snack (if I'm hungry) and tea. I use this tea - Soothing Caramel Bedtime
• 8:30 - Get ready for bed. Turn on my diffuser and plug my phone up in my bedroom. 
• 9 - Bedtime. Read in bed. 
• 9:30 - Lights out, earplugs in. 

I'm not going to be super strict with these times, but that's the general idea. I tried it Sunday, and it really helped. I drank my tea while watching Supermarket Sweep and the new Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. And when 8:30 came, I did those things, turned on my diffuser with lavender, and went back to the living room without my phone. And by 9, I was actually sleepy! I don't know if it was the trip I took to Greenfield (probably not), the tea (maybe), or what it was, but I was ready for bed. And that never happens. The challenge with going to bed was actually reading instead of hopping on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, games, whatever. But I made myself do it, and I actually lost track of time! I woke up twice before it was time to get up, which is pretty normal for me. 

And it helped! I woke up refreshed and ready for the day. I felt excited to try it again with some changes I'm going to make. And probably the most important, I felt more motivated to take more steps to take care of myself. I'm going to make sure to stay hydrated - I can leave my water bottle down on Mondays since our kiddos are virtual, but the rest of the week I'll have to do my water drinking during breakfast, lunch, and at the end of the day. But no worries, I can get it done.

And I've been happier than I have been. I had a LOT less anxiety about my relationships with other people. I've been able to focus more on myself and what I'm doing instead of worrying about what other people think about me, if they're talking about me behind my back, and so on. I have a mantra in my head that I got from the host of the show I'm watching - Unless they're paying your bills, pay them no mind. Meaning that I shouldn't pay attention to others or worry about what they think of me. Cause, y'know, other people don't pay my bills. Granted, today was a little off at first, but once I got into my day at work, I started to feel more like I did yesterday. 

I honestly think that having a routine is helpful to me. It's been proven that people with anxiety disorders (aka yours truly) benefit from routines. I'm not going to fully schedule my day like I did when I was a kid, but I think that this nighttime routine will help a lot. I used to shame myself for needing routine. Life was about spontaneity! Living in the moment! But I've come to realize that there's a balance needed. Spontaneous day trip somewhere by myself, with family or friends? Sure! But it's okay to have a morning or nighttime routine, especially if it helps. It's a comfort, knowing exactly what I'm going to do. It helps me stop the "I should be doing this or that" type thoughts that I have when I don't have an exact idea of what I need to do. 

So I'm going to keep implementing this as long as I can and see where the rest of these dominoes fall. If it helps me learn new, healthy coping mechanisms to replace the old, unhealthy ones that I need to get rid of, then I am all for it. And right now, I'm very hopeful.